Get the Hell Outta Here, Ice

Fish in northern Wisconsin are thrilled by the news that some lakes could still be covered with ice for the opener next week. We, humans, are less excited.

Everybody knows that winter tends to overstay its welcome here in the Upper Midwest, but screwing up our rites of spring is going too far.

With that in mind, we’d like to address Ice directly:

Listen, you get six months a year from us already, which seems more than fair considering how you burst our pipes, put our cars into ditches and send us flying ass over teakettle when we’re merely trying to walk to the mailbox.

Now you’ve decided it’s okay to hang around into May like you’re our roommate’s no-good boyfriend lounging on the couch?

You don’t get some free pass just for keeping our drinks cold, so get the hell outta here. You can come back in November as per our agreement. Until then, just leave. Go to Antarctica. They’ll be happy to have you.