New, Nameless Soccer Franchise

It was announced this week that there’s another reason to tailgate coming to Wisconsin. Milwaukee has been awarded a United Soccer League franchise to begin play in 2025.

The professional team will play in the Iron District, a new development coming to downtown Milwaukee that features an 8,000-seat outdoor soccer stadium.

After reviewing satellite photos of the site, we have some concerns about tailgating potential in the area, but we’re going to take it on faith that ample space for Wisconsinites to do our thing is part of the plan.

While we wait for more details to emerge, the organization has announced a contest to name the team. To help warm up your naming muscles, we have provided a few five-star suggestions:

Chainsaw Cows. The popular local livestock is admittedly not that intimidating, but give those bovines chainsaws and it’s a whole new ballgame.

Muddlers. Key component to making a brandy old fashioned, used to squash ingredients and extract their sweet juices. Now, imagine doing that to opponents instead.

The Soccer Packers. A blatant ripoff of the most popular team in the state? Yes, it is. But if you’re going to steal from another team, you might as well steal from the best.

Prime Rib Carvers. Sports leagues are full of teams named after swordsmen. Why not honor these supper club swashbucklers?

Cranky Old Guys at the Bar. Nothing puts fear in your heart like being in earshot of some grouch who won’t stop complaining about how things were better in the old days.

Don’t be surprised if those five names end up being the finalists. You can try for sixth place by entering your suggestion on the team website.