This is not a drill: super pig invasion

A report detailing how a new breed of Canadian super pig is poised to invade the northern United States sent shockwaves through the Drink Wisconsinbly Newsroom earlier this week when a glance at a map revealed that Wisconsin is in the northern United States.

At first, the account sounded suspiciously like a part of a marketing campaign for some direct-to-video release attempting to capitalize on the popularity of Cocaine Bear, but it turns out Super Pig isn’t a movie and is, in fact, a real thing. The animals are a hybrid of domestic pigs and wild boar that were bred specifically to survive Canada’s harsh winters.

These giant, highly-intelligent pigs destroy crops, prey on native species, cause soil erosion and carry pathogens that can spread to humans. And researchers suggest they may have already begun crossing into North Dakota, Michigan and Minnesota.

That’s troubling news. Because if the Vikings defense this season is any indication, our neighbors to the west can’t be trusted to put up any meaningful resistance to the advancing hog hoard. And that means it’s only a matter of time before we’re matching wits with them here.

While this does raise new and troubling questions about our state’s preparedness for swine invasion, Wisconsinites have been honing their skills by hunting deer for generations. So if these elusive and ingenious super pigs want to mix it up on our turf, we can look forward to lots of all-you-can-eat specials on super bacon, super pork chops, and, of course, super al pastor tacos.